


Let's Start A Riot

by Lady Mythos (Lady_Mythos)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Crack Treated Seriously, Culture Shock, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, Swearing, These are teenagers after all, This is just an excuse for me to make the Bridge Crew a youth gang, Vulcan Culture, What would happen when you put a bunch of chaotic humans in a Vulcan setting?, and to put them in leather jackets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:53:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26602507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Mythos/pseuds/Lady%20Mythos
Summary: Two hundred years is a long time to be isolated on the same planet. After Earth was destroyed in the Calamity, Vulcan allowed the Human refugees to settle on their planet. But in order to ensure enduring peace two centuries later, Vulcan offered to let a group of Human students to study in the Vulcan Science Academy. Too bad they picked a baby James Kirk and his Bridge Crew (squad name at this point). Chaos and Order are about to clash in the most ridiculous way possible.Or, that one AU where Humans are the bad boys with leather jackets and motorcycles here to seduce the good Surakian Vulcans from school and work.
Relationships: Amanda Grayson/Sarek, Ben Sulu/Hikaru Sulu, James T. Kirk/Spock, T'Pring/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 63
Kudos: 101





	1. This Should Be the End of A Teen Movie

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Restricted Work] by [BabyWithWings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyWithWings/pseuds/BabyWithWings), [ItinerantAvthor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItinerantAvthor/pseuds/ItinerantAvthor). Log in to view. 



> Listen, this is pure crack. I may be writing this as a feasible concept but this is absolute ridiculousness that won't leave my head. I just wanted to inflict this on the rest of you. If you want a much better, far more serious, approach to this, please look to Aberrant by BabyWithWings and ItinerantAvthor. Their work is far better and a lot more mature than this mess.
> 
> By the way, expect a lot of swearing. These are college freshmen after all.

Earth is dead. 

Long live her Humans.

The Calamity consumed everything as far as the eye could see. Old Religions wished they could have predicted the apocalypse as it had happened. Wildfires, hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis. And those were just the natural catastrophes. The entire planet went to hell in a handbasket and all the average human could do was try to survive it. If only the various governments had actually tried to do something to help.

But no. Death tolls became the global joke as reported numbers grossly underestimated just how many people had died. Animals disappeared or grew deformed, preying on human beings. Food became scarce which prompted near daily riots. Birth rates dropped as many couples refused to have children under such terrible conditions. Everything was on the verge of collapse and no one knew how to solve it.

Centuries later, a prominent Vulcan was asked what primary quality did Humanity offer the rest of the galaxy. She quirked her lips in a tiny smile and gave the most unscientific answer given by a Vulcan yet. “Humans have the devil’s own luck. No matter how bad things get or how stacked the odds are against them, they will find a way to not only survive, but thrive. They are, in essence, the most contrary and diverse sapient species we have yet discovered in this galaxy and I believe we will only be more surprised by what they are able to achieve by sheer willpower.”

With a warp drive held together with duct tape, a nuclear missile, pure theory, and absolute desperation, one Zefram Cochrane surprised a Vulcan survey ship by bursting into warp. Scientific historians will forever despair at just how such a slipshod machine didn’t explode into millions of pieces, dooming humanity. Thus, First Contact and the Great Evacuation began. 

How the Vulcans managed to stand the sheer chaotic mass of humanity that crammed into their ships to escape their decaying planet is something that even humans would never figure out. 

The Vulcans were nice enough to evacuate the humans to their planet. Twenty million refugees experienced an alien sky for the first time in human history. Their task was daunting: reforming society so that what happened to Earth would never happen again as well as reconciling hundreds if not thousands of individual human cultures and societies into one cohesive whole. 

So there was no surprise that it took about two hundred years for that to happen. Human beings will always be a contentious bunch.

* * *

“Oi, Kirk! Get your ass into gear!”

One James Tiberius Kirk blew a kiss at the lovely enby he had been flirting with, prompting a chorus of boos from the nearby hovercar.

“All right, you animals, I’m coming!” 

He winked before turning to his friends all crammed into the seats. Bones drove, as usual, synthol between his lips and looking Very Disappointed. Jim knew that it was mostly at himself for being the Responsible Adult among a bunch of high school seniors. Especially freshly graduated high school seniors. Uhura, Pavel, Hikaru, and Scotty had piled in the back in their usual tangle of limbs and datapads. Uhura gave Jim her usual glare though she couldn’t disguise the excited gleam in her eyes.

“Took you long enough, tomcat.”

“Just because I get some and the rest of y’all don’t—”

“I’m thirteen!” “Fuck you, Ben and I have a great sex life!” Hikaru and Pavel snapped in unison.

“Whatever. Y’all are just jealous.”

A Grecian chorus of insults and middle fingers chased Jim to the passenger’s seat where he was greeted with shoulder punches and a sharp hair tousle. He dropped his sunglasses over his eyes, trying to keep a straight face. God, he loved his crew.

“Bridge Crew, let’s roll!”

Bones gunned the engine and they were off. Freedom burned in Jim’s chest as they swept by brightly colored skyscrapers and brick housing towards a red horizon. It took an hour to escape city limits but it went by quickly as Pavel and Scotty argued like cats and dogs about warp theory. Uhura had her head buried in a datapad while Hikaru sang aggressively off-key to the newest k-funk on the radio. Bones just swore at the myriad of drivers and passengers “that were trying to give me a goddamned heart attack!” 

Finally, they drove off into a sea of golden sand and scrubby trees. Uhura, prepared as always, seamlessly connected her watch to the radio and blasted afropunk much to Pavel’s delight. Jim simply slumped into his seat. Free from the shackles of the city, he could finally breathe.

They’d done it. They had all escaped the hellhole known as high school (and pre-med for Bonesy). Now the rest of their lives stretched out in front of them. 

A pang filled Jim’s chest. This summer would probably be the last summer all six of them would be together like this. Uhura and Hikaru were going to universities outside of the First City in other human settlements. Pavel and Scotty would stay together, thankfully considering how young Pavel was, but they still would not remain in the First City. Bones and Jim still shared an apartment, thank fuck, but Bones would be in medical school and it would be impossible to maintain the same level of communication. And Jim, well, who knew what the fuck Jim was going do with the rest of his life. Between a dead dad, a neglectful mom, a bastard step, and a missing brother, he was a Freudian wet dream and a career counselor’s worst nightmare.

_‘That just means this will have to be the best summer ever.’_ He swore to himself. Jim knew he’d probably end up disappearing before year’s end. Maybe he’d wander around the human settlements for a while. That way, he could drop in on his friends on occasion. It wouldn't be the same but it was better than nothing.

Bones pulled into a natural enclave in the rocks that had begun to dot the landscape. Everyone hopped out of the car, hauling their various bags with them. They'd found this place two years ago when they had become an official group. No one could decide where to go, arguing so ferociously that Bones had gotten _pissed_ and drove out of the city limits. What they had discovered? Nothing short of absolute heaven.

"Come on, Jimmy! We're wasting daylight!" Jim stuck his tongue out at Bones and trotted after the group. The hike didn't last long, just a half mile through a natural tunnel.

And then it opened up.

Massive statues of Vulcans in various states of ancient dress lined the walls of a massive cave. In the center stood an altar, lovingly carved with looping scripts. Uhura, using that brilliant brain of hers, surmised that this was old neutral ground when Vulcans were tribal peoples opposed to the aloof unified collective they were now. Though she did admit the glyphs were far older than whatever conversational Vulcan she knew.

All Jim knew was that it was the perfect hangout for a bunch of uncomfortably smart teens (and one adult) to hang out undisturbed. 

By now, the process had become a well-choreographed dance. Scotty switched out the previous week's blankets for freshly laundered ones. Uhura laid out the snacks, Jim's in a hermetically sealed container, and drinks to share. Pavel lit several scented candles (confirmed to _not_ trigger Jim's allergies) and wrapped the altar in fairy lights. Hikaru scattered as many pillows as would fit in his bag across the blankets. Bones set out plates and cutlery, none-too-subtly throwing a napkin onto Jim's plate. Finally, Jim set up the speaker with some tunes, an internet hotspot, and a tri-ox generator.

Everyone took off their tri-ox masks. Time to chill.

"Alright boys, listen up. Today's spicy beef sambusas with mango lassi. Jim," the sealed container and a red-topped bottle landed in his lap. "Yours is made with chickpea flour, extra chilies, and coconut yogurt."

Uhura gestured threateningly with a pair of tongs. "Everybody gets three. You're on your own if you want more. _Unaelewa_?"

She took her four and curled up next to Jim before chucking the tongs in the middle of the others. Everything disappeared in a flurry of flailing arms and sharp curses. 

"Oi, let me have some!"

"Don't be fucking greedy! I saw you sneak one in your pocket."

"Goddamnit, Pavel. Watch those fucking elbows of yours!"

"Don't be a little bitch about it! My babushka’s babushka from Stalingrad would have used her nails!"

Bones made it out with five with only a haunted look on his face. Pavel escaped with six and a smug grin. They all turned to watch World War IV unfold between Scotty and Hikaru. Jim nudged Uhura's shoulder.

"Twenty creds says Scotty gets the last one." 

Uhura snorted. "Fucking amateur. Fifty on Pavel sneaking in for his seventh without them noticing."

"You're on."

And because James Tiberius Kirk had the worst luck known to mankind, he found himself transferring his hard-earned credits to Uhura's account. All the sambusas eventually turned to crumbs and they all spread out onto the blankets. A full belly always made Jim sentimental.

"I am going to miss you guys so fucking much." Hands appeared from everywhere and pressed themselves against Jim. "It won't be the same without my favorite band of jackasses harassing me about my life choices."

"Aye," sighed Scotty. "Pavie an' I'll be bored out of our feckin' minds without you lot ta keep us on our toes. We'll be blowin' them professors' theories ta smithereens!"

"I won't miss driving you brats around," Bones growled. "Just make sure you all take time to eat and sleep properly or I will hunt all of you down and hypo you to oblivion and back."

"Thanks for the love, Bones." 

A moment of silence passed.

"I know I am only thirteen," Pavel whispered. "But thank you for keeping me. It was wery hard to move to high school but you guys made me feel like I belong. Not some prodigy debil for other student to gawk at. I will miss you all."

Jim reached out blindly before running his hands through dusty blond curls. His chest burned with agonized grief. And yet, in a sick way, he felt grateful. All other times that those around him had left had been bereft of a farewell. At least now, he could attempt closure.

Uhura punched him in the shoulder. "You've finally earned it. What's my name, _Jim_?"

Jim huffed a teary laugh.

"Nyota, you absolute _bitch_. Leave me hanging for fucking years and now I only have two months to use it? I'll be using Nyota so much you'll hate me every time I say it, Nyota."

Hikaru jolted up suddenly, wiping his eyes while digging through his pack.

"See, unlike you bunch of crying sissies, I dealt with this shit like a real man! Take it. Ben helped me with making sure I could get these." A yellow bundle hit Jim in the chest. He sat up like everyone else and unfolded it. Tears streamed down his cheeks uncontrollably.

"Hikaru motherfucking Sulu, you goddamn son of a bitch! How dare you be so fucking thoughtful?"

In his hands was a sunshine yellow leather jacket complete with several zippers and a black hood. Everyone had a leather jacket personalized to each person's tastes. Scotty's had his family tartan lining the inside and peeking out of the lapels. Pavel's was too big with a thick fur collar to grow into. Uhura's had a thousand functional pockets and a thick wax print stripe just under the chest. Bones' had the most simple one but had a medical patch on the shoulder. And two embroidered rapiers streaked down each of Hikaru's sleeves.

"Since Vulcan is hot as balls, the sleeves can all be zipped off and Pavel can take off the collar to his. Me, Jim, and Pavel are yellow because we are the Three Musketeers. Uhura and Scotty are red to match the extra fabric. And Leo’s blue because he's a boring ass adult."

Bones flipped Hikaru off, too overwhelmed to insult him. Hikaru rolled his eyes before resuming.

"Alright, fuckos. Turn it over."

The words "Bridge Crew" in blocky letters swept across the upper back. That was it. Hikaru got piled on by four sobbing teenagers with Bones' hand through his hair. They stammered over each other with fervent promises to visit each other and their long affection for each other. Jim knew they were all loners in their own rights. And somehow, they had all found each other and clicked in a way they hadn’t before. This sort of group chemistry could not be replicated. What was the old saying? “Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?”

Lord Alfred Tennyson was a punk-ass bitch who clearly knew nothing about loss.

Uhura wormed her way out of the nest of limbs, scrubbing her hands over her face. “Alright, bitches. Crying time’s over. We still got two months to have fun. So let’s go out like the fucking kings and queens we all are!” 

She switched to pre-Calamity electrofunk and pulled Pavel up to dance with her. Everyone hopped up and let loose together. Jim held this moment close as he swung Bones into a raucous two-step. This would probably be the best moment of his life. Everything went downhill from here. But right now, surrounded by his family, Jim allowed himself to be truly happy.

* * *

Jim roused as Bones pulled into the complex parking. Between the crying and the dancing, he’d passed out as soon as they took off. 

“Relax, kid. Everybody’s safely dropped off.” Jim nodded before pouring himself out of the car. He hauled his bag over his shoulder and made his way to the turbolifts. He and Bones fell into their usual comfortable silence. Jim still couldn’t believe it had been four years since he’d run into the harried college freshman during a roommate search. That had been rough. 

Since his mother had shipped him off to the abject failure of the Tarsus IV compound, Jim filed for legal emancipation. Sure, a normal person should be sixteen before they could apply but the government had some residual guilt over allowing so many people to die under their nose. So, there Jim was, a fourteen year old kid who needed to find himself a roommate. Who knew most functional adults had issues with sharing an apartment with a highschooler? Jim went through a fuckton of potential roommates before stumbling upon his favorite grumpy peach. Georgia may be long gone but apparently Southern manners remained post-Calamity.

One Leonard Horatio McCoy took one look at fourteen year old Jim and refused to leave. Jim had been treated to his first taste of a Bones rant, stupefied as Leonard complained about anything and everything while moving his meager belongings into the apartment. And the rest was history.

“It’ll be fucking weird having you in med school.”

Bones snorted as he swiped through his watch’s holo display. “It’ll be nice to spend some time among some real adults and not your gang of children.”

“Aw c’mon, Bonesy,” Jim pouted as they exited the turbolift. “You know you’ll miss us!”

“No, I’ll be too busy worrying about your collective dumbasses. Nyota and I have the only two brains among the six of us and the rest of you will be wandering the streets if you don’t get it together!” 

Jim couldn’t help the slight smile at Bones’s concern. “Careful, Leonard. Someone might think you’ve caught feelings for this ‘gang of children’.”

“Fuck off.” Jim laughed them both into the apartment. Flicking the lights on, he tossed his bag onto the couch and himself next to it. He opened up his messages display and scrolled through the myriad of school messages, ads, and other such junk. Estranged from his family, he didn’t really get much in the way of interesting emails and texts. It didn’t bother him. Though the sheer number of ads and spam never failed to get entertaining.

The less they tried, the funnier it was. An email from the Vulcan embassy (?) caught his attention. _‘Oh my God, they aren’t even trying!’_

Now Jim was intrigued. He opened up the spam email, half expecting to send banking information to some Vulcan prince to help him escape his pursuers. This would be fun to send to the Crew to laugh at. Just a quick scan to see if it was worth it…...

A few moments later, a loud “What the actual fuck?!” startled Bones from his place on the john. Cursing as he did up his pants and rinsed his hands, he stormed into the living room to see Jim gawking at his holo-display.

“What did I fucking say about yelling in the apartment? You’re going to give me a heart attack!”

“Never mind that shit,” Jim said, eyes blown wide. “Check your messages. See if you received a message from the Vulcan embassy. I need to know if someone’s fucking with me or not.”

James Tiberius Kirk held the title of most notorious prankster amongst the Crew. Those baby blues could convince a Vulcan of his utmost sincerity. But Bones had lived with the infant enough to know when he was bullshitting and when he was entirely serious. The edge of incredulity in Jim’s face convinced Bones to check his messages….

“What the shit is this fuckery?!”

“Yeah, I know.” Jim finally closed his jaw and turned to Bones. “And you know what else? The others got one too.”

“I just—” Bones broke off his thought to force air into his lungs and hopefully some crumbs of sanity back into his brain. But he couldn’t stop the disbelieving spiral of his mind. “But the fucking _Vulcans_?”

“ _Yeah,_ I fucking know.” Jim stared grimly into Bones’s face. “Why does a Vulcan ambassador want to meet with us?”

  
  


_To one James Tiberius Kirk,_

_Two hundred years have passed since Humans first landed on Vulcan. During this time, interactions between the two species have been limited. This is not satisfactory as distance is known to increase hostility between two groups. As such, the Vulcan Embassy and the Vulcan Science Academy have joined together to invite you and your known associates Leonard Horatio McCoy, Hikaru Sulu, Nyota Uhura, Pavel Andreievich Chekov, and Montgomery Scott to enroll in the Vulcan Science Academy. It has been projected that you and your associates would be most adaptable to Vulcan instruction. Th_ _us we extend this invitation._

_For more information, please come to Maya Angelou High School at promptly 1400 hours tomorrow._

_Live long and prosper,_

_Ambassador Sarek_


	2. So, You Met a Vulcan for the First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Bridge Crew nearly start an interspecies incident.
> 
> Also, don't underestimate human teenagers or a human wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going to be real honest here. I did not expect the level of interest or investment in this fic. But with the blessing of the original authors and the lovely commenters below, I am continuing this crack-assery. I hope you all continue to enjoy this mess.
> 
> Vulcan translations in the bottom.

" _ Are you out of your Vulcan mind?!? _ " 

Bones’s sentiment echoed Jim’s pounding headache and the stunned expressions of the others. Ambassador Sarek, face as neutral as his loose robes, arched an eyebrow. 

“I fail to understand the strength of your response.”

Jim saw Bones’s face twist with frustrated fury and stepped in.

“Listen, Ambassador. We’re just a bunch of kids who have lived in Human settlements our entire lives. In the two hundred years of Human history since the Great Evacuation, there has been no record of Human/Vulcan interaction, much less cooperation. Why  _ wouldn’t  _ we be incredibly confused or even slightly hostile to the sudden suggestion you have just made?”

Ambassador Sarek took a moment to process his thoughts before inclining his head slightly. “You make a logical argument, James Kirk. I shall endeavor to be more conscious of such a fact in the future.”

“ _ Po tor etek tor nash? Ish-veh tor pa'shik ik wuh komihn nam-tor tehnat wuh di'kizh _ ,” the Ambassador’s aide murmured. Jim’s face twitched but Nyota beat him to the punch.

“Hey, jackass,” she snarled. “If you have a problem with me or my friends, have the manners to speak English or _ tor ac'ruth ik etek fam yehat stariben vuhlkansu _ .”

Both the Ambassador and his aide’s brows rose suddenly. Apparently, neither of them had considered that someone— Jim and Nyota— in Jim’s band of freakishly smart kids decided to learn Vulcan on their own. He slid down in the cheap plastic seat, massaging his temples.

_ ‘Just avoided one interspecies conflict for Nyota to possibly cause another. I did not sign up for this shit today. How did we fucking get into this again?’  _

Let’s rewind.

* * *

“This isn’t fucking prank, is it?” Pavel whispered as all six of the Bridge Crew stared at the sleek alien vehicle. Humanity had come a long way since the chaos of the Calamity. Everything ran on clean energy courtesy of the brilliant Vulcan sun. Between replicators and an incredible system of hydroponic farms, humans eliminated poverty and hunger which led to a creative explosion of technology. But even with all the sick tech that had developed over the past several decades, it looked  _ nothing _ like the insane design of the hovercraft parked outside their friendly neighborhood high school.

"I've seen naught like it," Scotty breathed, a  _ look _ beginning to burn in his eyes. Jim snapped his gaze to Bones who grabbed Scotty by the back of his jacket and dragged towards the entrance. They all wore their Bridge Crew jackets today. If today went as batshit as Jim feared, the show of solidarity would help. Not to mention they all looked hot (or cute in Pavel's case) as fuck.

"Oh, there you all are!" Ah, Mr. Finchley, Jim's favorite principal. He looked dressed to impress in an ill-fitting grey suit and ancient 2220 tie. The rake-thin man wiped his sweaty face with a handkerchief, eyes bulging out of his face in a way that, usually, only one James Tiberius Kirk could cause. Jim almost felt jealous. Sure, he was tangentially related to whatever lay inside the school but neither Jim nor his friends asked for this! 

"What's up, Finchley? Odd idea to be calling a bunch of  _ graduated seniors  _ back to school. Made a mistake somewhere?"

Finchley grimaced. Jim sighed a breath of relief.  _ 'Good. At least one thing's behaving like it fucking should.' _

But the fleeting normalcy faded as Finchley stretched his face into a horrible parody of a grin.

"Come on, kids." He chirped. Jim recoiled at the obnoxious tone. "You too, Leonard."

"I am not comfortable with any of this bullshit." Bones snarled under his breath with a look of sheer disgust. "Wasn't this the guy who called me a pedophile for being the one adult to look after you children?”

Finchley blanched. “Well, you can’t blame me for being concerned that a college student decided to hang around a bunch of children!”

“Even though I am Jim’s emergency contact and roommate?! You should have checked the actual paperwork rather than cause such a stupid ass scene in the middle of the parents. You’re lucky I didn’t have any actual children in this school or I would have reported your ass so fast—”

“Alright, enough!” Nyota stepped in between them, a dark look upon her brow. Jim just herded the others, save for poor trapped Scotty, towards the school doors. Nyota didn’t need any help corralling those two idiots.

“Are we going to show a somewhat united front to the fucking  _ Vulcans _ that decided to pop out on our doorstep?” She tossed her ponytail to angle a sharp glare at Finchley. “Or are we going to fight like children and ruin this potential diplomatic opportunity?” 

Without looking back, Nyota swept off behind Jim, leaving a chastened Bones, a reddening Finchley, and a deeply uncomfortable Scotty in her wake. Jim threw his arm around her shoulder as she passed by. 

“Did I ever tell you you’re my favorite lady member of the group?” She just cut him with a withering look. Jim flashed his best and brightest smile. “Favorite member of the group, period?”

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a retort.”

All six of them eventually sauntered through the doors and into the main hall of the school, Finchley skulking behind. A tall brown man in an elegant skirt suit and well-trimmed beard patiently waited by the welcoming desk. Jim’s eyes widened as he recognized the City’s mayor, one Dominiq Santiago. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears.  _ ‘Holy shit, this is fucking real, isn’t it?’ _

“Thank you for deciding to join us today, students. This is certainly an unorthodox occasion but do not doubt that I will be actively defending you and your interests during this matter. Legally, you are all adults, except for Pavel, but if the rest of you wish for your parents to be here, we can arrange that."

Jim hung back and crossed his arms as the others deliberated their options with the mayor. It wasn’t intentional but it never failed to sting how much his friends’ parents seemed to care so much for them. He wondered what it would be like, having a parent willing to be present in his life. It would probably still end up sucking  _ balls _ considering his patented bad luck. A gentle hand wrapped around the back of his neck.

"Easy there, Jimmy." Bones stared at the small commotion as his thumb rubbed at Jim's hairline. "You still have us all.”

“I hope so.” 

Once the important legal negotiations had taken place (Hikaru’s parents had invited their lawyer to represent them all, if needed) and Pavel’s parents had been greeted (Jim always thought they were a little  _ too _ nice considering a group of eighteen plus adults had adopted their precious genius child), they all made their way to the school’s offices. No one said a word. All previous pleasantries paled in comparison with the very real dilemma that faced them all. Vulcans. Real fucking Vulcans were down the hall and to the left of Jim’s high school. And not only that, these assholes suddenly wanted to welcome a bunch of humans to their fancy Academy? Some weird fuckery  _ had  _ to be going down in the background. 

And James Kirk was nothing if not a curious little shit.

Before he knew it, they were in front of the head office. Behind the sliding metal doors lurked the generous, mysterious race that gave human beings a fighting chance after the Calamity. Jim looked left and right. The adults all looked nervous as he felt. He couldn’t blame them. This was First Contact all over again. Only this time, Humans weren’t a complete goddamn wreck. How would the Vulcans react to this new development? 

_ ‘Might as well rip the band-aid off.’  _ Jim squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. He eyed his Crew and watched them physically become braver. Hikaru slumped into a casually watchful stance. Pavel raised his chin, hands shoved into his pockets. Nyota smoothed her collar and hooked a thumb onto her skirt’s belt loop. Bones crossed his arms, face curling into a defensive frown. Scotty simply straightened his kilt and plastered his signature mad genius smile onto his face. Jim couldn’t help a smirk.

_ ‘Let’s blow their fucking minds.’ _

The Crew swaggered into the room. Jim could feel the incredulity of the adults behind them. But they weren’t the ones who had to deal with shitty high school politics. Two very tall people dressed in neutral greys stood at their arrival. One, whose robes had gold trim at the hems, raised his hand and spread his fingers in some sort of welcoming gesture.

"Greetings from Vulcan High Command. I am Ambassador Sarek. This is my aide, Mahal."

Jim nodded his head politely. One of the few things they did know about Vulcans was the whole no touch thing. 

"Pleased to meet you, Ambassador. I am Mayor Dominiq Santiago, pronouns he and him." Mayor Santiago bustled forwards with a smile. He gestured towards the other adults. “These are Mr. Robert Finchley, principal of this school, Ms. Fujioka Rin, legal representative for the six students, Mr. and Mrs. Chekov, and, of course, the students that you mentioned. These are—”

“I think the nice Vulcans know exactly who we are, considering their rather pointed message.” Jim purred, sprawling onto a chair with fabricated ease. The rest of the Crew piled into the other available seats. Mayor Santiago looked incredibly horrified out of the corner of his vision but Jim kept his eyes focused on Ambassador Sarek’s face. This would be a tough one. The best way to know a person’s intentions was to see them crack. Whatever niceties or graces they began with crumbled in the face of overwhelming stress. Sarek seemed entirely unruffled despite Jim’s blatant disrespect. It would take much more needling to see the dark underbelly of the Vulcan request. 

But Jim did love himself a challenge. He’d never tried to piss off another species before, particularly one who prided themselves on pure logic. He looked forwards to trying.

“Indeed. Let us begin.” Ambassador Sarek sat promptly as the adults scrambled to gain their seating. “As you have seen our message, I will not repeat its contents. You may ask any questions that you have in mind.”

“Yeah, I got one.” Jim whipped his head around as Bones leaned forwards onto his knee, a warning gleam in his eyes. 

_ ‘Oh no. I wasn’t planning on pissing them off this soon!’ _

_ “Are you out of your Vulcan minds?!” _

And thus we have returned to the present.

* * *

“Alright, let’s get back to the original question asked, no snarky asides from the resident humans.” Jim rolled a glare at Bones who scowled back. “ _ Got it _ ?”

“This is going to end badly,” Bones muttered to himself but quickly shut his mouth. Jim mouthed a quick thanks before turning back to the Ambassador.

“As you can see, our species have a lot of catching up to do. So we’ll show our hand if you show us yours.” Jim settled his elbows onto his knees. Mayor Santiago looked ready to explode at Jim for taking over the whole conference, but eh. Jim didn’t have time for the usual politicking and posturing any diplomatic conversations held. “Tell us why you really want us in your fancy academy?”

The claim that Vulcans wanted to stop inter-species hostility before it began sounded like a bunch of absolute bullshit. Or at least, was a secondary reason for this sudden offer. Vulcans and humans had been very happy as no contact neighbors. The law of inertia stated that an object could not move unless moved upon by a greater outside force. So what would cause a bunch of logical, technologically superior Vulcans to suddenly come to the comparatively chaotic slums of the Human settlements? 

Wait, outside force? Right, if the force is big enough and uncomfortable enough, then they would  _ have _ to use humans!

A slow grin spread over Jim’s face as he leaned back into his chair. He got it! This was one hell of a sneaky way to do it but the long-term benefits would be greater than if they just got the adults involved. Now it was up to the Vulcans to be honest about their intentions.

“As mentioned before, Vulcan High Command believes that it is time for both species on this planet to begin to integrate more with each other.” Aw, they were doing the stupid politician thing and not telling the whole truth. That would just make Jim’s discovery more important to hold close to his chest. A little leverage went a long way. “Inviting Human students to the Vulcan Science Academy would allow Vulcans to experience Humans in their space. Furthermore, the test scores and intelligence of the six of you suggest that you would be able to withstand the rigor of Vulcan education. I believe that you all would be instrumental in normalizing Human behavior and attitudes to the Vulcan population and prepare for complete integration down the road.”

“If that’s so true, what’s stopping  _ you  _ from integrating with the Human settlements?” Hikaru draped his arm over the back of his chair. “You’re making a lot of effort to bring us with you considering the lack of explicit give and take.” 

The slightest wrinkle formed around Ambassador Sarek’s mouth and Jim hid a triumphant smile.  _ ‘Gotcha.’ _

“Don’t get us wrong, Ambassador. We are not opposed to this arrangement.” Jim cocked his head in a way that made his baby blues glitter. It had taken a lot of practice in a mirror to get it down. “But if we are to believe that this is mutually beneficial, then you need to provide the mutual benefits. What are you prepared to offer us and our settlements for our participation?”

Jim could feel the open mouthed horror emanating from the adults in the room. He just couldn’t understand their surprise. The Bridge Crew were a group of fucking  _ prodigies _ with the combined social experiences of the entire Human population. Why  _ wouldn’t  _ they be able to fight for themselves and their people? 

“Although, I would admit that we do not have the necessary documents and expertise to negotiate a contract at this moment,” Nyota gestured to a flustered Mayor Santiago. “Our mayor would be the best person to continue the conversation on a more technical level.”

The sweetest smile spread over her face. “After all, we  _ are _ just a group of silly teenagers who don’t know any better.”

Nyota’s words rang through the air as everyone over the age of thirty slowly processed what the fuck just happened.

“It is clear to me that I came underprepared for the discussion at hand. I believe that I will need to converse more with Vulcan High Command.” Jim swore that for one second he saw a gleam of amusement in the Ambassador’s eyes. “However, this has been a most productive conversation as such.”

“Fine then. I believe our job is done.” Jim rose and stretched his arms over his head, sighing as his spine cracked. He gave a formal nod to Ambassador Sarek and his aide before turning to the Crew. “ Let's go, guys. We’ll let the  _ adults _ continue the conversation.”

Mr. Chekov muttered something under his breath which made Pavel and Nyota choke with laughter before controlling themselves. The lingering tension broke, for the teens and one Bones that is. The six got up, offering their own personal thanks and other such pleasantries before filing out of the room. They held it together through the school halls and out into the parking lot. 

Didn’t last once they got into Bones’s car though. 

“What in the goddamn fuck was that?!” Scotty yelled into the back of Jim’s chair. “Did we just outsmart a fucking Vulcan?”

“I don’t know but I don’t think the Wulcan vas ready for us.” Pavel rubbed his temples before snorting briefly. “Papa said he had not realize that teenagers vere fucking veakness for the Ambassador.”

Jim laughed helplessly. Now that his cocky persona had faded, the weight of what he had just done crashed over his shoulders. Holy  _ fuck _ . He’d gone up against a Vulcan, one of the smartest creatures this side of the Quadrant and not only held his own, but put the man on the defensive. What kind of balls did Jim suddenly grow to pull that off?

"We're all going, aren't we." Nyota groaned into Hikaru's hair. Jim sighed.

"I'm down. After all, James Tiberius Kirk never met a challenge he wouldn't face."

"I've always wanted ta see how the Vulcan half lives." Scotty suddenly sat up, a gleam in his eyes. "I might even be able ta get my hands on their sweet, sweet equations!"

"Vhich means I must go." Pavel eyed Scotty, grimacing at the near incomprehensible mutterings about warp theory. "Someone must make sure Scotty doesn't make  _ pidzec _ of the Vulcan Engineering Department."

"Looks like I'll have to make my way there too. Ben will be pissed but he'll understand it's for the greater good." Hikaru ruffled Pavel's curls and ignored the myriad of Russian and English curses directed at him. "Can't leave Pasha and Scotty to their own devices."

A loud groan came from Nyota. "I was going to think longer about it. But if four of us are going, why not the whole fucking squad? Might as well shake some shit up.”

Jim rolled his head to face Bones who stared firmly into the distance. A grin crept over his face. He already knew Bones had decided to go. It was just a question of whether or not Bones would admit to it.

“Oh, Bonesy~” Jim purred.

“Fuck. Off.”

“Come on, Bonesy-wonesy. You haven’t told us what you’re planning to do!” Jim propped his chin into his hands, batting his lashes. “Don’t tell me you’re going to leave a group of young, impressionable teenagers to go to Shi’Khar all by their lonesome?”

“I fear more for the Vulcans than any of you!” Bones snapped, aggressively refusing to look in Jim’s direction. Jim ramped up the charm with his most heartbroken pout.

Pavel muttered, “How does he vork that better than me, the fucking  _ child _ , in this car?”

“But we  _ need  _ you, Bones. How else will we keep ourselves healthy and safe without your loving guidance?”

Bones’s eye twitched as Hikaru and Scotty held back strangled giggles. Jim almost had him. He just had to go in for the kill. With the pathos of a seasoned Shakespearen thespian, a single tear fell from his eye. 

“Don’t you love me, Bones?”

“ _ You manipulative motherfucker!”  _ The others burst into hysterical peals of laughter as Bones grabbed Jim by the neck and ground his fist into Jim’s head. “Fine, you little shits! I guess I’m stuck being all of y’all's parents since you bastards refuse to get your shit together. But I am going to make your lives  _ hell _ for forcing me into this absolute fucking bullshit!”

Jim smacked at Bones’s hands but sagged in mirthful defeat.  _ Good _ . 

If they all went to Shi’Kahr together, it just meant they had more time before everyone went their separate ways. Jim may be selfish but he’d rather hold on to whatever good thing he had now than let it slip. 

Maybe if he had learned that earlier, his mother and brother would still be around.

* * *

A communicator rang twice before a woman’s voice answered. “How did it go, my dear?”

“.....You may have had a point about Human teenagers.”

The woman cackled. 

“They ran circles around you and Mahak, didn’t they.” The ensuing silence only spurred on her laughter. “I’m telling you, darling. Humans are not to be underestimated, especially the young and smart ones. They will give you absolute hell and not even feel sorry later.”

“Personal thoughts aside, it is clear that these will be the precise students that will fulfill their purpose at the Academy.”

“I told you this was a good idea! Those stuffy Academy bastards need a little shake-up. And who better than a bunch of hormonal, brilliant, Humans to put a little spring in their step?”

The conversation paused and the air turned slightly somber.

“This will be good for him, you know. Seeing how the other species lives. I have no regrets raising him the way we did but I still fear that he will have trouble reconciling the two parts of him.”

“That is an unfortunate inevitability of our current situation. However, this will force him to confront his Humanity in a possibly constructive manner. Though I admit to some concern over these particular students’ effect on the Academy.”

“You’re just scared Vulcans don’t have the balls to take on Humans in all of their chaotic glory.”

“Amanda _. _ ”

“If we weren’t on voice chat only, I’d be flipping you off.” Amanda Grayson sighed noisily. “And then I’d probably suck your—”

“ _ Amanda _ .” 

“You know how that tone makes me feel,  _ tal-kam _ . Plus it’s  _ your _ fault for marrying such a Human like me.”

“A decision that I will alway believe to be the best one I have ever made,  _ k’diwa _ .”

“Flatterer.” But Sarek could hear the smile in her voice.

“Further conversation would be preferred but the Mayor and other such diplomats wish to reconvene at another time.”

“Alright, then. I’ll be sure to let my dear husband get his rest then. Good night.”

“Good night.”

Sarek hung up and sat back in his chair, a not-there smile playing at his lips. To say he harbored any resentment towards Vulcan society for how they treated his wife and son would be decidedly illogical. After all, it is only natural to react negatively to unknown variables, particularly ones that could prove detrimental to their way of life. However, it would be a falsehood to say that Sarek  _ wasn’t  _ curious to find out just how much the band of six Human students would disrupt the status quo.

It was, after all, what Vulcan society deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can't tell me that Amanda and Sarek are hella kinky. They married across species; that alone implies one hell of a sex life. Also, see if you can guess what the real Vulcan agenda is in the comments! I'd love to know everyone's theories!
> 
> Translations: 
> 
> Po tor etek tor nash? Ish-veh tor pa'shik ik wuh komihn nam-tor tehnat wuh di'kizh- Why do we do this? It is clear that the humans are against this exchange
> 
> tor ac'ruth ik etek fam yehat stariben vuhlkansu- Make certain that we cannot speak Vulcan


	3. No One Expects the Vulcan Inquisition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet HIM. 
> 
> It goes about as well as you would think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still overwhelmed by the response this fic has gotten. Thank you so much. If there are any requests for some fun character bits or clothing choices, let me know! (Jim's already slated to wear a black leather miniskirt so anarchy reigns here)
> 
> Enjoy the chaos.

“I feel fucking ridiculous,” Hikaru sulked, tugging at his heavy collar. Jim wholeheartedly agreed. The thick robes may be decidedly cooler than they looked but they also weighed a ton. Oh well. When in Vulcan and all. Though Jim did wish they had some in a nice bright green or a lovely sky blue. The desert neutrals were nice but a little bland after seeing the nth shade of sand or umber. 

But this was no time to be mopey! They were about to walk through the gates of the Vulcan Science Academy! He slung his arm around Hikaru's shoulders.

"Sulu, my favorite Crew member—"

"I thought _I_ was your favorite Crew member." Nyota hummed.

" _My favorite Crew member Hikaru_ needs to chill! We're the first Humans to be in Shi'Kahr long-term! Why not try to enjoy Vulcan culture while we have the chance?" And Jim meant that too. The Vulcan aesthetic screamed sleek modernity that 21st century architects would have drooled over. The brilliant golden skyscrapers shone rosy from the coral skies. It all felt truly wondrous and incredible except for one unnerving fact. The city was silent. Well, not _silent_ exactly, but pretty fucking quiet considering what Human cities sounded like. Just a constant stream of Vulcan people moving in and out of stores and occupations with minimal conversations. No music, no honking, no yelling. Just people doing what was absolutely necessary.

It was fucking intimidating! No one had the indecency to gawk at the weird looking humans walking through Vulcan streets but a thousand pairs of eyes followed their movements at any given moment. Jim felt like he was under a petri dish, being examined by thousands upon thousands of scientists. The worst part was, all the Vulcans just minded their own fucking business! Jim would rather be approached than feel all those eyes on him.

“I don’t have to dress the part to enjoy the culture, asshole,” Hikaru grumbled. But Jim could feel his shoulders had loosened. 

“Let’s just enjoy the newness. We’re the first people to have regular contact with Vulcans in two hundred years!”

Bones scoffed. “Have you ever considered there might have been a goddamn _reason_ why our species haven’t had contact?”

Everyone groaned. Pavel snarled, “Give it fucking rest!”

“Oh get over yourself! I told you all that I would bitch about this all the way to the fucking doors of this Academy and guess what, assholes? We’re still several meters away which means I will be as much of a nuisance as I damn please!”

Jim kept his mouth shut but smacked Bones in the side. Bones was, after all, only expressing what everyone else had bottled up to some degree. 

Blind terror for what lay beyond.

Outsiders never had an easy time infiltrating a previously homogenous society. Thousands of years of Human history proved the rule. The fact that they were among Vulcans did not negate that. But despite the very real threat that could lurk behind the gates of the Academy, Jim could not deny the net benefit of the social experiment. Could humans and Vulcans exist in close proximity without tearing each other apart? If they could, well. The Alpha Quadrant would never be the same.

A steady stream of fairly young looking Vulcans moved through the doors, just as quiet as the rest of the city. One, and then two, and then ten, and then dozens of them turned their eyes to the Bridge Crew in clear curiosity. Jim raised his head with a bright grin. He jostled at the others. “Look alive, boys. We’ve been spotted.”

He chirped a bright “Good morning” with the appropriate hand gesture (the _ta’al_ as his studies mentioned) as the Crew moved their way to the back of the line. The others made their own greetings with varying levels of enthusiasm. While Jim could not say that he could read the various emotions on his fellow students’ faces, he could sense a general level of curiosity towards himself and his friends. Perhaps even a little scandal from how freely the humans expressed themselves.

But, for once, Jim had hope! He'd lived through weirder and far more dangerous circumstances. Vulcan culture couldn’t be _that_ different from the myriad of Earth cultures he’s experienced, right?

* * *

“Thus the Surakian view of leadership remains devoted to logically dissecting all the possible situations and extrapolating the necessary data to make informed decisions. In this particular example…”

Holy shit, he was going to die. Instructor Vyorin just kept droning on and on and _on_. Jim could feel his brains turning into mush. The information wasn’t the problem. It was all the prototypical “welcome to command training” spiel. But the language had the density of a neutron star! So many words, used well, but used in a way that made them all blur together. Thankfully, the front desk had provided himself and his compatriots with translators. God knows how much more awful this would have been if Jim had also had to use his limited conversational Vulcan.

Though that might have been more fun than this shit!

Jim tried to keep himself still. He wanted, no, needed to fidget. Only the slide of styluses upon glass and soft tapping of keys sounded throughout the room. That was all he had for ambient sounds. Well, that and the incessant flow of words spilling from Instructor Vyorin. His fingers tapped at his thighs. Jim tried to make it as silent as he could. He just needed to survive the next however long until the bell dismissed them all. But his brain bounced around in his head without anything to ground himself. He couldn’t focu— 

“Student Kirk.” Jim blinked up at Instructor Vyorin. “Rise and summarize that which you have learned this session.”

Jim rose to his feet, feeling oddly singled out.

“Leadership as taught by Surak and yourself focuses on looking at all possible outcomes and creating a plan that accounts for all of them. While it is a useful idea, such decision making takes time that may not be available for a commander.”

Jim could feel the brows lifting behind him as the expression on Instructor Vyorin’s face changed slightly (though what it meant, Jim wasn’t sure). “A summation to be sure, but I had expected a more verbatim response without the addition of your input. Surely Human instructors expect more from their students?”

“On the contrary,” Jim hummed with a grin he knew tinged on lupine. He had an idea what kind of person Vyorin might be. “Human learning is considered incomplete unless a student can absorb information, repeat it in a personalized manner, and then offer an intelligent response to the subject. After all—"

Jim dropped the smile and stared straight into Vyorin’s eyes. "I cannot be expected to learn _exactly_ like a Vulcan. That would be illogical."

Silence rumbled across the room. Jim knew he had just painted a target on his back. But fuck it! He wasn't going to let himself be pushed around for being human. 

Vyorin opened his mouth but a solemn chime resounded through the building. Jim gave a sweet smile. “I believe it is time for our dismissal. I look forward to our next session.”

Jim collected his things and slipped out of the room. He entered into the current of Vulcan students moving to their next destination. The halls of the Academy were barely louder than the outside world. Here, a few clusters of students and professors conversed under archways and enclaves. But the vast majority simply moved to wherever they intended to go. 

His wrist buzzed and Jim opened up his messages.

**Stabby-kun:** these classes’re going to _kill_ me. anybitch got lunch?

**Polyglot’em:** i got lunch rn. got an hour b4 hurtin starts again. everybody?

**Lil’Warp:** i got hour and half

**OneTruScot:** IGOTWORDSFORTHSTVULCANBASTARD

**Polyglot’em:** uh, you k there scotty?

**OneTruScot:** NO.

**Polyglot’em** :......

**Stabby-kun:**...........

**Lil’Warp:**......................

**OneTruScot:** seeyouatlunch

**Dr.No:** Ugh, I guess I’ll stick with you brats. Not like i'll be eating with anyone else.

**CaptainAnaphylatic:** welp, I just missed some shit. see you fuckers at the canteen.

Jim snickered to himself as he closed the chat. Whatever shit Scotty pulled was bound to be a tale for the ages. Hopefully, whatever professor or student that had riled him wouldn’t be _too_ startled over all the incomprehensible yell—

A back smelling like strange spices and warm desert sand slammed into his nose. Jim stumbled back a few startled steps, eyes watering from impact. “Ah shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to run into you.”

“Please watch your steps. It would be unfortunate if other students were injured by your carelessness.” Jim blinked up through his tears to glare at the speaker. Sure, he _had_ run into the guy but he’d apologized! Get off his dick!

“Again, I apologize for my mistake. I’ll be more careful next time.”

A sharp huff, one that a more naive person would call a derisive snort, expelled from the speaker. Jim finally cleared his eyes. His nose still throbbed but he didn’t care. He wanted to see what kind of jackass was too good for an apology. 

He was met with molten chocolate. Jim couldn’t help his surprise. Vulcans seemed to have dark features as a species. It didn’t matter their skin color or hairstyle, all of the students and instructors had black hair and eyes. The guy in front of him did have the black hair but his eyes held the barest tinge of brown. Jim wondered distantly what they would look like if they caught the light.

And then Jim clocked the rest of his face.

It had been mentioned by the rest of the group that if given the chance to fuck an alien, James Tiberius Kirk would be the first to do so and loudly. With much bragging and swaggering after. He had protested such aspersions upon his character with many angry words and middle fingers. 

Clearly his friends knew him better than he knew himself.

The Vulcan in front of him was—how should Jim put it—sexy as all fucking hell. He had the same high cheekbones and stern features as the rest of his species but something about it on him felt softer, more accessible. Jim could feel himself melt. Just a little, anyway. Sure, the Vulcan was cute, but that did not excuse his rather rude reaction!

Jim crossed his arms and arched a brow at the Vulcan. “So, you gonna accept an apology or are you going to just give me a dirty look?”

“Accepting an apology implies the perpetrator will change in the future. With your initial carelessness, I have doubts that you will change your behavior in the future, thus I will not accept it. Please refrain from causing more trouble.”

And with that, the Vulcan walked away. Jim’s jaw dropped at the dismissal. Okay, _fuck_ this guy. 

And not in the fun way.

Jim fumed every step towards the canteen. Arrogant fucking Vulcan thinking he had the monopoly on good manners. How dare he be so rude? Jim just made a mistake, like any other person could make, and here he was getting shat on by some guy who thought he was God’s gift to the fucking universe. Oh, this guy had no idea what he had just incurred. He’d better pray that Jim didn’t have any classes with him. There would be absolute hell to pay.

The sound of near incomprehensible English broke through Jim’s rage. He looked up to see Scotty gesturing wildly as the rest of the Crew lounged under a surprisingly large tree. Nyota had her head propped on her fist, nodding with bewildered eyes as Scotty continued his tirade. Pavel just looked more and more concerned. Probably got more of the technical theory that Nyota couldn’t. Bones and Hikaru just ate their lunch, aggressively ignoring the flaming mess close by.

“Sup, bitches.” An exhausted garble of greetings arose from everyone. Jim clapped Scotty on the back and leaned his back against the trunk of the tree. A parcel of thick beef stew spooned over rice appeared in his lap accompanied by a big bottle of blue soda. He took a long swig—blue raspberry was the best flavor—and sighed deeply. 

“So. How was everybody’s first day~?” Jim cooed when Scotty stopped for breath. 

“Is anybody else freaked out by how organized these guys are? Because I am.” Hikaru sighed into his bowl of food. “They seem to expect that everyone will write these things down perfectly and that is not just going to happen.”

“I wouldn’t mind so much if they provided notes elsewhere.” Jim patted Nyota on her shoulder. She sighed even deeper than Hikaru. “Considering how complex these courses are going to be, the tests are going to be fucking _nightmares_.”

“How about you, Bones? How’s medicine with the Vulcans?”

Bones grunted, continuing to shovel stew into his mouth. Jim nudged him in the shoulder. “Come on, Bones. We’re all dying to know what Vulcan medicine is like.”

“Yeah, Bones. We know you’ve got some thoughts on it all.”

“They rely on tech too much.” Jim raised a brow at Bones’s words but Bones’s face remained eerily calm. 

“There is a lot of emphasis on using a tricorder to diagnose and measure readings but nothing in the syllabus talks about using your own judgement.” He swallowed his bite before looking into his bowl. Jim could feel the unbridled rage placidly coursing through Bones. “Seems like they don’t have enough _emergencies_ here to justify doctors making their own decisions.”

Jim threw an arm around Bones’s shoulder while Pavel rubbed his ankle. “We’re in Vulcan, Bones. They’re above our petty human selves. They probably have transporters in every house and contingency plans for every situation that we can think of and a thousand that we can’t think of.”

Bones shrugged and returned to his food.

“What _I_ ’d like ta know is who the feck made Vulcans gods and kings of warp theory?!” 

_Oh no_. Not again.

“Jus’ because something isn’t planned out ta perfection dinnae mean it cannae function! All this plannin’ an’ talkin’ about “existing rules” and “theoretical limitations” mean jackshite in the face of discovery! If it weren’t fer the sheer innovative spirit of our boy Cochrane, we’d still be stuck on Earth! And _another thing_ —”

Scotty returned to his rant in high spirits despite groans from the rest of the Crew. Jim turned an exhausted face to Pavel.

“What about you, kid? How are you doing?”

Pavel shrugged. “I think they are more baffle than anything. The instructor seem confused ewery time I make comments but is fine. No one has tried anything yet so I am good. But, _blyat_ , the work will kill me.”

“That’s good. Don’t worry though. If they give you shit, we’ll kick their asses.” Hikaru ruffled Pavel’s curls to much Russian swearing. “We did it once; we’ll fucking do it again.”

Jim laughed and winked. “I’ve never fought a Vulcan before but I’d be willing to try.”

“You guys do realize that Vulcan’s have a general physical density three times the normal human, right?” Bones snapped. “They’d kick all of our asses with one hand behind their backs. And that’s the ones who _don’t_ know how to fight!” 

“Eh, it’ll be worth it.”

Bones spent the rest of the lunch hour yelling at them for their stupidity, lightening the mood under their tree. Maybe the next year wouldn’t be so bad.

* * *

  
  


No one would admit it. Not a one. But that did not stop the fact that every Vulcan eye in the canteen had fallen upon the ragtag group of Humans loudly quarrelling and laughing underneath a tree. After all, it was only logical to observe the new oddity that existed in their environment. To ignore novelty was to ignore potential opportunities for observation…. or threat depending upon the person viewing the display. 

For Senak, he could not help a sense of curiosity. His meal of _plomeek_ soup and _t’mirak_ rice did not hold his interest in the face of discovery. He did not consider that he would have a chance to practice at being a xenoanthropologist. But the Humans acted so differently from Vulcans that he could not help but note the differences.

Everything rushed across the humans’ faces with barely a thought spared for control. Laughter, rage, disgust, nothing was held back. In fact, it seemed the humans would even tease out emotional reactions from each other with a sense of delight. 

The jests seemed cruel to Senak. Only Vulcan children, still learning how to wield logic, would find pleasure in provoking such a display. And yet, the Humans also emoted strongly once receiving the reaction they so desired. Laughter produced laughter, a strange twist of the lips and widening of the eyes also produced laughter, even displays of anger produced laughter. Oddly, the _withdrawal_ of emotion prompted concern from the others. 

How _unVulcan._ And that was not even the strangest thing. 

Senak, and every other Vulcan present, collectively flinched at how casually the Humans used their hands. It was nothing short of perfectly obscene. From licking fingers to touching hair and shoulders and faces to even holding hands in increasingly graphic ways. The careless carnality with which they handled each other appeared wrong, invasive even.

And yet they all looked so comfortable with such displays. In fact, the only times the Humans did not touch was after words were exchanged or a person reacted negatively. Perhaps Humans did not have the same taboos about touch that Vulcans did? 

A soft chime sounded from his padd. Ah, his next class beckoned. Senak closed his notes and quickly finished his meal. He appreciated his mother’s heavier use of redspice. It invigorated _plomeek_ soup in a manner pleasing to his palate. He would have to request her to repeat such a change.

Finishing his meal, Senak gathered his belongings and left the canteen. It would be interesting if he could see the Humans again. Having a class with one of them could prove a very fascinating encounter. 

Hopefully his fellow Vulcans felt the same way as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure you guys can figure out who's who in the group chat. Thanks for sticking with the absolute absurdity. You guys are honestly the reason this has gone as far as it has. Anyway, be sure to smash that like and subscribe and click the notification bell.


	4. Hello. My Name is James Tiberius Kirk. You Refused My Apology. Prepare to Die.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim may not know Spock's name, but he does know a motherfucker when he sees one.
> 
> Or, the one where the author shows off her philosophy boner—MINOR. She mean minor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter. Thanks for all of the lovely comments! This chapter is a bit of a tone shift but don't worry. The typical shenanigans will return next chapter! This story suddenly got a story and overarching themes which means I've got to treat it seriously. Ew.
> 
> By the way, the lovely BabyWithWings and I have teamed up to bring you all joint updates! So once you're done with mine, go and check hers out (or vice versa)
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy it!

Jim staggered into the room that was, of course, just like every other fucking classroom in this building. You’d think that a little variety would be an affront to Vulcan sensibilities with their decorating preferences. Thank God and all of his angels that this was to be his last class of the fucking day. 

"Jim?" Blessed be! Nyota peeked up from the myriad of notes on her desk. A relieved smile, the same stretching Jim's cheeks, crossed her face. "Fantastic! I don't have any classes with anyone else. This might be fun if you decide like a normal person."

Jim dropped his things at the hexagonal desk next to hers. The decor of the Academy was normal enough but just enough things felt odd, reminding him he wasn't home. Clear polygonal desks, curved seats, perfectly groomed blue trees, not to mention the thousands of Vulcans traipsing about. But he kind of liked it. The bits of familiarity grounded him against the foreign strangeness of Vulcan. Sapience bound intelligent species together and seeing similar small rituals like meals and desks and landscaping in others made Jim feel less isolated. He sprawled along his chair, resting his elbow onto the little table. 

“Why, my dearest Nyota! Are you suggesting that I, James Tiberius Kirk, am incapable of controlling myself?”

“Eleventh grade. The Hideout. The Groundnut Soup Incident.”

Jim flinched at the memory. That was the last time he ate anything with peanuts in it. _Knowingly_ , anyways. “Fine, fine. I can be a bit of a dumbass at times. But you have to admit I’m the best person to study any kind of philosophy with!”

“You called Plato a pedophilic asshole who lay the blueprints for a dystopian hellhole that Orwell could only dream of in his worst nightmares.*” Nyota tried to hold a straight face but collapsed into giggles. “You weren’t wrong but you nearly gave that poor teacher a heart attack.”

“Precisely why I’m a great student when it comes to philosophy. I tell it like it is.” Jim smoothed his hair back with a cocky flick. “Which includes calling out ancient dudes for their bullshit.”

“How arrogant must Humans be if they claim such pride in disrespecting their traditions.” That  _ fucking  _ voice. Jim slowly turned his head to see  _ the same motherfucker from before _ taking his place right across the way. “Would it not be more prudent to respect the long history from which your society has built such a successful society from?”

Jim could see Nyota mouthing  _ ‘Don’t you fucking do it’  _ out of the corner of his eye. But Jim never backed down from a challenge a day in his life. He wasn’t about to start now.

“Bold words from man who’s never read Plato.” The motherfucker tilted his head. Jim could see Nyota’s head drop into her hands.

“‘An empty vessel makes the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest babblers.’ One of his lesser known quotations, no?”

_ ‘Oh, you bastard son of a bitch!’ _ Jim merely smiled sweetly. “‘Wise men speak because they have something to say, fools because they have to say  _ something _ .’”

The motherfucker’s face remained placid but Jim could sense the rage roiling in the other.

“‘Knowledge becomes evil if the aim be not virtuous.’” 

Jim shrugged his shoulders and leaned back into his chair with a particularly nasty grin. “No one is more hated than he who speaks the truth.”

“An interesting debate indeed,” a quiet voice interjected. Jim’s head turned to see a surprisingly small Vulcan woman with soft brown skin and long, charmed, dreadlocks tucked into a neat braid stroll into the room. Her thick black robes betrayed her status as instructor. “Perhaps a discussion to continue at a later time during our class.”

Jim eased back into his chair, eyes still fixed on the motherfucker in front of him. 

“My name is Instructor T’Pri. Welcome to Vulcan Philosophy. And welcome to our Human guests. If you have questions about this class or other general questions about the Academy, Shi’Kahr, or Vulcan in general, feel free to stay later so we may discuss together.”

“Thank you, Instructor.” Nyota smiled. “I will be sure to use your offer.”

Instructor T’Pri merely nodded. 

“This class builds upon earlier education upon Vulcan philosophy. Deferring to the Humans in the room, we begin today with the basics. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. The basis upon which all Vulcan philosophy is founded.” She threw an image of a tilted triangle topped with a gem and surrounded by a thick ring from her tablet onto the screen behind her. 

"The simplest statements are often the most difficult to find nuance in. Therefore, this has encouraged millennia of discourse amongst Vulcan philosophers in order to truly discover what Surak meant by such a revelation all those years ago."

Instructor T'Pri beckoned a chair behind the desk to herself and sat in it, arranging her robes comfortably around her legs.

“You are all intelligent beings here. Otherwise you would not be admitted into the Vulcan Science Academy. I have no interest in mimicry. We are all here to develop and mature your collective sense of philosophy and logic. As a result, I will not be lecturing.”   
  


Jim nearly wept with relief. Lecturing was, hands down, the  _ worst _ possible teaching style for his brain. Not having to listen to someone drone on and on and  _ on  _ about a topic would be a fucking solace compared to what the rest of his classes were shaping up to be. But he could feel a strange tension radiating through the room.

“Marks in this class will be determined by participation in discussions. The overall intelligence of the comments made will also factor into assessing understanding and interaction with the materials provided. Simply repeating the information provided within the texts is grounds for failure.” Instructor T’Pri folded her hands in her lap, holding eye contact with each student throughout her speech. If this had been a human classroom, JIm would have expected several people squirming and shuffling papers. A thought occurred to him. Was this really the first time so many Vulcans were expected to express themselves in such a public setting? 

“This is what it means to be a member of the Science Academy. It demands an ability to come to independent conclusions based upon whatever information you have available. You will make excellent arguments and you will make illogical ones. What matters is your response to criticism. Are there any questions?”

The silence in the room deafened the inhabitants.

“Then we shall continue. Using your own arguments, explain and defend the meaning of Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. Other students are permitted and encouraged to challenge your ideas. Commence.”

Jim, for once in his life, held his tongue. He knew a teaching moment when he saw one. This T’Pri seemed a rather passionate woman about education (even if her tone didn’t quite appear so). She had rather bluntly attacked the core teaching style of the majority of the Academy without batting an eye. Though he did appreciate her placid cheek, he had a feeling this would not extend to the rest of the class.

A slender man, one Senor if Jim recalled the student registry, decided to be the first to take the plunge.

“Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations means that the universe propagates eternally different things that have their own place within the natural order. As long as these things remain in their rightful place, then the diverse combinations will not devolve into chaos. Thus, infinite diversity in infinite combinations can remain within the realm of logic.”

Jim snorted to himself. Senor turned his head to face Jim. Ah, shit. He hadn't realized they’d heard him. 

“If you have a problem with my argument, it would be preferred that you would address it and myself directly.”

Oooh, looked like Jim touched a nerve. He knew that if Senor was human, he’d be glaring at Jim. He leaned back into his chair, Nyota staring daggers into the side of his head. “Are you sure you want my opinion? You might be getting into more than you might handle.”

“There’s nothing about your Human mind that could overwhelm my argument. You may try if you think you have something worth saying.” 

A low murmur rose through the class as every eye turned to Jim and Nyota. No doubt waiting for an explosion of oh-so-Human emotions to prove Senor in all of his racist (speciesist? xenophobic? xenophobic) superiority. Jim turned his head to glance at Nyota whose eyes burned with incredible rage.

“Arrogant bastard, ain’t he?” He hummed. Nyota nodded.

“Absolutely.” She propped her head onto her fist and turned her attention to Senor who seemed rather perturbed that the Humans weren’t responding aggressively to his taunt. A stunning smile spread over her face. “Let him have it, won’t you?”

“If my favorite person commands.”

Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He cleared his mind. If he was to show them just what he was capable of, Jim wanted to be every bit as Human and free thinking as he could be. The thread sat in front of him. Now he had to weave it into a cohesive, rational argument. Oh, and also defend Humanity as an intelligent species worthy of going toe to toe with Vulcans. 

No pressure.

Jim laughed to himself. Somehow this still wasn’t the most awkward or worst thing that had ever happened to him. He would be fine.

He tilted his head at Senor, baring his teeth in his most off putting attempt at a smile.

“Your argument is flawed because the very nature of Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations is chaos. Trying to force that into a logical framework is a disservice to both the concept itself and to Surakian philosophy.”

Jim heard an audible smack as twenty pairs of sharp brows rose in unified horror at his statement. Nyota murmured several curses under her breath, hands fused to her face. “Nice going after their entire philosophy in two sentences.”

“I don’t see what the problem is! It’s the basic principle of entropy. All things in the universe tends towards disorder which means it is straight up wrong to say that IDIC, because I am not saying that whole thing again, can remain within the realm of logic. Finding logic in the universe is not the same thing as the universe being inherently logical. The fact that entropy and quantum mechanics are scientific law and not theory suggests that we are all living in a chaotic universe.” Jim crossed his arms but kept his eyes fixed on an increasingly agitated Senor. “That means that to claim that logic will be found if ‘everything stays in its rightful place’ is not only flawed but willfully ignorant of how the universe  _ actually _ functions.”

Senor looked like a drowning fish, mouth opening and closing with aborted thoughts. The other Vulcans didn’t appear any more collected. They looked between each other and at Instructor T’Pri with decidedly scandalized expressions on their faces. That just meant that they had a slight furrow in their foreheads. But the strange thing was, Instructor T’Pri seemed, well, remarkably unruffled. In fact, Jim swore up and down that he could see one of the corners of her lips tilted up. She leaned back into her chair, tilting her head in thought.

“An interesting point, Kirk. One that would certainly challenge centuries of Vulcan thought. Does anyone have a rebuttal?”   
  


Jim blinked at the lack of rebuke. All the other instructors he had suffered through would have strung him up by the thumbs for his outburst. But Instructor T’Pri did not seem offended. In fact, she downright enabled his argument by encouraging further discussion. Much to Senor’s dismay.

“This is unacceptable. This Human is flippantly challenging the foundations of our society. To allow such ideas would certainly lead to serious problems in the near future.”

“Then educate him.” Senor faltered. Instructor T’Pri forced eye contact. “If what he said is so wrong, then you, a perfectly logical Vulcan, should be able to refute what he said with ease. I am here to only moderate. I will not intervene because of perceived indignity.”

She turned to the rest of the room. “As previously mentioned, you are all adults here. This is a free space where all ideas are free to be dissected. Ideas have consequences, some of which are paradigm-shifting. If you are not able to handle this in a controlled environment, then it is logical to assume that you will struggle with discourse outside of the classroom.

“I ask again, does anyone have a rebuttal to the assertion made?”

Of course, because God just has to strike Jim down at every opportunity, the motherfucker decides to pipe up. 

“Kirk has indeed challenged the idea that Vulcan logic and Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations are compatible but that is no reason to act without thought. It is true that at first glance, the universe is a chaotic place. But it would be erroneous to claim that logic does not have its place. If that were the case, then scientific inquiry would be difficult or near impossible to complete.”

Jim groaned and rubbed his temples. “That’s all well and good but you’re not arguing my actual point. I never said that logic and IDIC are incompatible, I said that trying to  _ force _ chaos into a logical framework breaks IDIC. The minute things have to have a knowable pattern is the minute they are no longer infinite, either in diversity or in combinations.”

“Just like the phenomenon of constellations.” Nyota interjected. “Most sapient species have formed pictures out of the stars. There is a logical pattern to be found in the randomness of space. But to say that the stars were originally organized to form constellations is ridiculous.”

“Thanks Nyota. Couldn’t have said it better myself!” Jim flicked his head at the motherfucker. “So, please engage me on my actual argument? We’ll get a lot more done that way.”

The motherfucker’s brow twitched before his face smooths. Jim must be getting under his skin. “As you wish. The universe may be chaotic but it is still prudent to view it through a logical frame as most things in the universe fall under a cycle that can be predicted.”

“How do you know?”

“What do you mean?”

Jim folded his arms. “I mean, how do you know that most things in the universe can be predicted. Isn’t it conceited to assume that just because we can figure a few things out that we can speak for the rest of the damn place?”

The fight went on. Jim just didn’t know why the motherfucker was so adamant. This was just a philosophy class, for crying out loud. He wouldn’t let up. Some of the others tried to interject their own points but he just kept on coming after JIm as if JIm had stabbed his cat or something. And sure, Jim did like to stir some shit when the opportunity came but this was just exhausting. He couldn’t give up though. Jim didn’t back down from Death itself; he wouldn’t back down from a pissy Vulcan who couldn’t tell the difference between a classroom debate and a crisis situation.

He opened his mouth to retort to whatever point the motherfucker made but, blessed be, a triple chime rang through the air. Class was over.  _ Finally _ .

“As you can see,” Instructor T’Pri said, rising from her chair and gathering her things. “Everything can be questioned and challenged. Surak did not live in a vacuum. He had to constantly defend his views from friend and foe. If you cannot do the same, how can you deem yourself a follower of Surak?

"Class dismissed. All necessary details are contained in the syllabus."

And just like that, Instructor T'Pri walked out. The other students filed out shortly, giving furtive glances at the two Humans who had so thoroughly upset the class. Eventually Jim and Nyota were the only two left. She exhaled deeply, rubbing her temples.

"That was a catastrophe and a half."

"Aw, c'mon, Nyota. You have to admit it was kind of fun!" Jim grinned. "You'd think I spit on Surak's grave with their reactions."

"You might as well have. I have a bad feeling about all of this."

Jim threw his arm around Nyota's shoulders. "Don't worry. What's the worst that can happen?" 

* * *

T'Pri walked home, her dinner cradled in her arms. Her hypothesis had been correct. 

T'Pri had hoped to receive a Human in her class and, thankfully, had received two. Their presence was indeed welcome. Listening to their, mainly Kirk's, perspective on logic validated her suspicions about Vulcan philosophy. 

The sun glimmered a beautiful peachy yellow in a pale ruby sky. The view pleased T'Pri's sense of aesthetic. Academy rooms did not have windows in an effort to hone focus onto the instructor. T'Pri still preferred the balm of nature and other such things to provide necessary diversion at times. Though seeing growing things proved difficult in the utilitarian cityscape. 

She took another lungful of air to center herself. The usual Vulcans passed her on her walk. One murmured into a communicator, another escorted two children to some imagined destination, still another walked with a companion. Routine aided in her process of active meditation. A pair of teenagers walked by talking about their engagement before T'Pri reached the fountain that marked her apartment building.

It would be false to say that she did not experience a sense of relief to return home. 

Anticipation built as she rode up the lift. T'Pri walked towards her rooms. A soft trill greeted her as she opened the door. Hanesh rose from her bed, stretching her brawny shoulders with a sharp toothed yawn. 

T'Pri knelt down and opened her arms. Hanesh purred, nuzzling her owner on the cheek. T'Pri scratched Hanesh's fur before rising to her feet. Her sehlat followed behind. T'Pri prepared food for herself and Hanesh before setting the table. The two ate together as the sun set, plunging the Vulcan sky into velvet darkness. 

After the dishes were cleaned, T'Pri lit a stick of incense and set some soft music playing. She opened a tablet. Hanesh curled behind her chair. T'Pri began to write. 

_ 'Two Human students joined my class, as I had hoped. One Kirk goaded the other students into a confused state with only a few statements. The Vulcan students used the typical points to express themselves but they were easily countered. My thoughts were confirmed. Vulcan logic in its current iteration does not hold up to outside criticism.' _

T'Pri paused. She tapped her stylus against his lip. This would get her thrown out of all of Vulcan academia if this were to be revealed. But T'Pri's name did not mean 'resolute little lady' for nothing. She had spent too much time researching and writing and visiting historical sites to be intimidated by current society. 

Vulcan needed to return to true Surakian philosophy. If it took a group of Humans to do so, then so be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The author may or may not have a burning resentment against Plato and his Republic.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've reached the end, I commend you for dealing with my general fuckery. Comment if you would like!


End file.
